Math

Mimi + Trig = Total CONFUSION

Douglass

Bleh. I just finished the three responses. They were easier than a single Heart of Darkness question, that's for sure.

Anyway, last night, I started thinking way too much about old times, and stuff, it felt like my head was going to explode. I need one of those Penseive things Dumbledore's got. It'd be nice to dump my thoughts in a tub and look at them when I want. That way, I'd never forget anything too. I finally calmed down when I took a shower.

This morning, I cleaned my room. It was kind of sad packing away all my SAT material, but I'll be getting all of it out again soon enough to study. Then I ate lunch and started the Douglass homework, taking a liberal break in between. I want to finished with it by Tuesday at the latest. That leaves me five days to kill myself over the math homework and to finish the Elements of Style. I'm definately taking Monday, the last day of break, for myself, unless if I have to get homework done. Oh yeah, I've also gotta open a bank account next Saturday and hopefully get my permit, which I could've gotten back in March or something. Gah.

Reality Check!

Okay, all this past week, I've seriously thought I had two more weeks until school starts, but I was brushing my teeth this morning, and I was thinking, Wait a minute...Today's the 26th...it can't be two weeks til the 5th. I checked my chalendar, and I realized, I only have one week left! Aaaagh! I dunno what I've been thinking. Maybe I just wanted summer to last longer.

I know I wanted to do a lot over this summer. I have done some of what I wanted, and I haven't gotten to other tasks yet...like writing up a bio for this place, haha. But most importantly, I think I've gotten a good, long rest. I really need that. I normally hate questions like, "Are you ready?" because really, when is anyone ever going to be ready for life? If you knew all the surprises, they wouldn't be surprises. But honestly, I think I'm ready--at least more ready than I was a month ago.

I'm really glad I was forced to go back to Irvine this summer. It's helped me see a lot of stuff I just didn't want to acknowledge before. Plus, I have learned a lot from my SAT class, although I still have a long way to go. I think I want to take the SAT in November. I'll definatley study for the PSAT, which is always in October, but I can always use an extra month to study more. Plus, I have a feeling that the more time I spend in Pre-Calc, the more my Algebra II will come back to me.

Speaking of which, I still have to do my math homework!

I started reading Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass at 11-ish this morning and I just finished. It was a pretty profound. Hard to imagine that when Frederick Douglass was my age, he was working on a plantation in the south and had no choice about it. I am definatley discussing that in my homework, which I have yet to start. Hopefully, I can finish that in a few days, and then sit myself down and relearn Alg II. I still have to read The Elements of Style, but I like that book already, especially since Mr. Andrew recommended it for the SAT. It'll be nice to think about everyone in the class while I read it. And the test is open book, so nothing to worry about...yet.

A part of me never wants things to end, like the SAT class. But I know that we can't go back, and even if we could, it wouldn't be the same. So it's all for the better this way. Besides, if I hold onto the past too much, there won't be any room for new beginings, right?

On the last day of summer, I'm going to write a letter to myself I'm hoping to seal and not open until Graduation day. Just for fun, I guess. So my 18-year-old self won't forget my 16-year-old self.

And I've resolved to write an e-mail to Marie, partly because I feel the need to apologize and partly because I'm too chicken to call. Strangley enough, I still remember her last e-mail address. I hope she hasn't stopped using it, or it's invalid. If it is, I'll figure out some other way.

Yesterday and Today

I have a lot to say, and I have to say it here. Well, no, I don't have to. But lately, it's been bothering me a lot that I'm not as intimate here as I was in my old LJ. And yeah, that does matter to me. I think it's cuz this blog isn't secured. If you Google "the shining sky," you can find this webpage. I don't mind people reading this, whether I know them or not, but it seems harder to spill absolutely everything when I'm not writing in a place that can't be secured or when I'm writing to 9a. So...here goes.

I had a good time yesterday afternoon. I brought my protractor, all my colored paper, siccors (eh, however that's spelled), and glue to Ivy. I was planning to construct a perfect pentagon because on the walls of our classroom, there are pentagons made by little kids that are cut up into 5 congruent pieces. One of the 5 pieces is cut into smaller pieces. There are other shapes on the wall too, but the pentagons are the only ones where the 1/5th that's cut up isn't congruent. I've noticed this like, the first week, and it's been bothering me.

So I brought in everything so I could make a perfect pentagon, and the first thing Kevin thinks of when he sees all the colored paper is origami lotuses. It started with him taking 16 pieces, 4 sheets of 4 colors to put together a lotus. That made me start making lotuses my own way, so I made some for Alice. She made one of those hearts for me, and I made a lily for her. Then Ming made some stars, so I stuck a star in the lily I made, put the bottom of the lily into my erasor, which is one of those pencil-shaped kinds, and presented it to Alice. The lily was orange and my erasor case blue, but it didn't like that bad. All of this was while Mr. Ed was yakkin' about subatomic particles and stuff, so it was pretty funny. At break, Mr. Ed made an airplane, and Mind made another one, differently. Ming's flew really well, so he started making a ton more with my paper. On the second break, me and Alice went over to Ralphs to buy goldfish, and apparently, Mr. Ed, Ming, and Kevin had a paper airplane war whilst we were gone.

I had a good time, and I didn't really think of the origami again until Miss Lin saw the orange lily I made. She said that she had tried to follow instructions on how to make those out of a book the day before, and she got stuck. So then I made another one for her. I had to stay after to wait for mom to pick me up anyway. She wanted some more, so she game me pretty pink paper and I sat down to make even more. There were other girls who wanted to learn. They were a lot younger, but I decided to try teaching them anyway. It went alright. I didn't mind helping them along, and they got there in the end. Miss Lin came in and out, and in the end, I also offered her my orange lily, which she gladly accepted. She's really really old, you can tell. It made me wonder, When was the last time anyone offered her flowers?, which kind of made me sad. None of the little kids like her because she's strict, and she doesn't speak English well, so I'm glad I was able to give her something she liked.

So I had an enjoyable afternoon at Ivy. Trouble started when I got home. Dad woke up with a fever yesterday, and he stayed home all day. My mom and him aren't speaking right now, so when I got home and he asked me to cook some rice, I was all like "...okay" even though I've never cooked rice before. So I managed to make some rice and I got some noodles out for my own dinner. In the middle of me eating dinner, Dad was all like, "Can you go out to Ralphs and get some Tylenol?" Now, first of all, you have to understand that I was tired, hungry, and I live on a goddamn hill that's steep. Going down to Ralhps isn't hard, but going back up? It's killer. Especially at the end of the day. Not to mention Ralphs is about 1.5 miles away. So then I was all like, "No, I'm not walking to Ralphs, but I can ask mom to drive there for you."
Dad: "I'm asking you to walk there, not your mom to drive."
Me: *remaining calm* "Well, it'd be a lot easier if mom drove."
I don't remember exactly how things happened after that--I was pretty tired and I really just wanted to finish my noodles, which were good. But anyway, I got Dad pretty mad because he walked over to the table, picked up a plate, and totally smashed it on the ground. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't bothered much. I guess I was just lucky the glass didn't cut my feet. I know I said, "That's not going to help you get better," completely calm. Then dad said, "Yeah, I know. I wish I could get a gun and shoot you three dead too." (You three being me, mom, and Tony.) That didn't bug me much either, but if I'm murdered one day, someone investigate my dad and show the judge this entry in court.

Going on though, I really wasn't bothered much by that either. I've realized this summer, I am a waaay better person than both of my parents. Anyway, I know I said, "That won't help you get better either." Then I finished my noodles, and went downstairs to ask mom to drive to Ralphs. Mom was all like, "But dad asked you to go."
Me: "But it'd be easier if you drove."
Mom: *goes outside*

Some parental support.

Then I went to the backyard to check on the rabbits, and I went to my room. I got two copies from the library of sheets with a bunch of icons on them, and I've been working on cutting all of them out. So I sit on my bed, and I start thinking as I'm cutting out pictures from anime. <3 I've forgotten some of the exact thoughts that ran through my head, but I concluded that I did want Dad to get some Tylonal. If I wasn't willing to get medicine for him when he needed it just because I was tired, that didn't make me that good of a person either.

Now, this part's kind of weird. I'll try my best to describe it, dear blog. I'm holding a bunch of icons in my hands, and I'm just looking at them. For some weird reason, I decide I want to bring one to the supermarket with me, just for support. I think it's because anime makes me happy. So I choose a small 60 x 60 pixel icon of Isis from Yu-Gi-Oh, because I love her character. She really changes after her duel with Seto, and that kind of profound change made her a new person. I love the idea of an unkown future. Anyway, I put the icon of Isis in my phone (it's one of those flippy kinds), and I grab $20. I don't want to bring a purse, so I dump my phone and my money into the pocket of my jacket, grab my bike, and set off. I decided to go to Pavillions instead of Ralphs because it's not down the hill.

I biked off without telling mom, but that's okay because I have my phone. So I reach the end of my street and I turn right, and about 5 mintues later, I realize that I've taken the long way, but I decide to keep going anyway--it felt SO good. The sun had just set, and the shadows from the streetlights made the sidewalk look like it was transparent; like I was biking on air. To be honest, I guess that's the closest I've ever been to being high. The evening air smelled beautiful, and it felt so FREE to be out there in the dark by myself. Plus, the roads in Mission Viejo are perfectly smooth, so I just kept going and going.

I was reading 9a's notebook this week, and she wrote about breaking out at 2:55 AM or something for a 5 minute walk, and my first reaction was, "YOU WHAT?!" I was going to call you and lecture you on the dangers of girls going out alone in the middle of the night, 9a, but never mind that now. I think I understand how you felt. Some people ask, "How can you live in a city for 3 years without knowing where the so-and-so store is?" but last night, while biking, I was thinking, "How could I have lived here for 3 years and not have done this before? Gone out on my own and smelled the beautiful city?" It's not that scarey either; Mission Viejo is like, the 2nd safest town in California or something. *knocks on wood*

So eventually, after biking through sprinklers and getting soaked, I reach Pavillions, and I start my search for the Tylonal. I swear, I walked across the store 5 times before I almost walked into the medicine shelves. They were RIGHT by the entrance, and somehow, I missed them. Do you know how many different types of Tylonal, there ARE? I spent like, 15 minutes looking for something that'd work! Then, I didn't really want to rush back home, so I looked around more. I contemplated getting a new notebook to write to 9a in, but those notebooks were expensive and not that pretty. So then I went to the book section, and guess what I found? Harry Potter 6! I don't have that one yet, and it was on 25% off, so I grabbed a copy of that too, and went to pay for everything. The guy who rang up my stuff started saying stuff like, "You're behind on your reading." I was thinking, If only you knew... Seriously, I don't even know how many times I've read Harry Potter. I lost track in 4th grade. -_-;; Then again, I never saw much value in counting up how many pages you read. What kind of stupid person does that? I read because I like to read, not to show off big numbers.

So then, I set off home again, and after accidentally taking the long way to Pavillions, guess what I did? Yep. I missed a turn and had took the long way home. I seriously thought I was lost for a while back there. It was completely dark, and there were cars, but I was still kind of scared. I mean, it was 8:30, and who knew who was out there? I didn't recognize the street I was on until I had biked a while, and I was SO relieved when I finally did.

I get back home, and give dad the Tylonal. I don't know if he took any, but I don't care. I think I went to Pavillions more for myself yesterday than for anyone else. I HAD to get away. Anyway, there was watermelon on the kitchen floor now along with broken glass, so something obviously happened while I was gone. I crept into Tony's room while mom and dad shouted at each other in the garage and he said he didn't know. He was already in bed, so I just said that was fine and left him to go to sleep. I took a shower and I wanted to write all this yesterday, but I was too tired to. I think, I really learned something last night. No matter what happens, I honestly will be okay now. While biking home from Pavillions, I realized that I have myself, I really do, and I know who I am, so for now, that is enough. I wasn't all that sad last night either, so that was a good sign.

Today, Dad was feeling better enough to go to work, so I studied for my SAT class in the morning and had a blast this afternoon. When I got there, Alice, Diane, Ming, and I went to Ralphs to get some Beef Jerky. Kevin arrived at Ivy when we got back, and we went into Room D to wait for class to start. In that room there's a tv, so Ming opened the cabnets and found Lion King, and popped it in. It was at the part where Scar sings his creepy song to the hyhenas. We watched a bit before Mr. Andrew came to get us to class. Kevin, Ming, and Diane went back later to finish the song and Kevin wanted to look for the part where "sex" is spelled from the dust. He knew the exact scene it was in. O.o Apparently, it doesn't spell "sex" either, it spells "sfx" for "special effects." But anyways, that was kind of funny.

In class, we worked on some stuff, and Ming made an airplane out of a pizza hut box for Mr. Ed and we all signed it afterwards. Then we presented it to Mr. Ed and he talked to us for a while about his cats. Then, the saddest part. Kevin left first because his mom was here, and then I walked Alice, Diane, and Ming down to the parking lot. Diane's going back to Canada next Tuesday, but we are totally e-mailing. Me and Alice too. I have Kevin and Ming's e-mails, but it'd be kind of weird to e-mail them. I never talked a lot with Ming, but I guess I'll send him something say hi every once in a while. I hate letting friendships die. And I do want to ask Kevin to say hi to Marie for me. That'd be great.

Then, after mom came, she and Tony went to Pho for dinner, but I had had pizza at Ivy, so I asked if I could take a walk to Rancho, my 7th grade middle school. She agreed, and I set off. First, I went back to my old appartment to look at it, but I didn't linger too long. When I got to Rancho, I literally took a stroll down memory lane, looking at all the old classrooms, where Marie and I used to eat lunch, and the basketball courts where I fractured my finger. I remember me crying after that happened, and Marie telling me not to, and how my finger would heal. And again, I realized something, something that made me really sad: All these years, I've found a reason to hate Irvine, when, really, it's not that bad. I was young then, we were all young back then, and Marie took a lot of effort to stay my friend. I've never really considered things from her point of view before. I mean, I was really naive compared to her, and I knew NOTHING about computers then. She did so much for me; I'm ashamed I never comprehended it. She even invited me to her house in October or something that year. I had no idea why back then, but now...I think maybe, she wanted me to have a friend in Irvine. Or I like to think so anyway.

I guess I was the one who didn't like myself back then, if that makes sense. It doesn't really to me, but it does. I don't know. I'm still learning, that's for sure.

Tonight, I still have to e-mail Alice because I told her I would, and I wanna ask Diane where in Ladera she lives. She's staying there with her aunt and uncle until she flies back up. And I've still gotta e-mail Klee and Joy, just for old times' sake. I finished writing in Nina's last notebook, and I think I'll take a small break before I start another one. I've realized how attached I've grown, but I need to talk more in other places too, like here. Not that anyone but 9a reads this, but that beats the point.

And Marie? I know I definately want to contact her, but I don't know how. A small part of me wants to call her. A really, really small part. I could also send her something by snail mail, but who uses that anymore? I don't know her current e-mail or IM, but I could try her last one. Or I can wait til Kevin contacts her, but that seems kind of...I don't know, not as good. I mean, what kind of a friend lets someone she doesn't know that well say hi to a friend for her because she's too shy to do it herself? So I don't know, I'll have to give this a lot more thought.

Anyway, that's all I have to say tonight, and I'm glad I said it. All of it.

Edit: Damn, that took and hour and 20 minutes to write.

Heart of Darkness & SAT Class

Okay, so I was in a really profound mood to write here earlier, but I just wrote my third (and final!) essay for Heart of Darkness, and I'm totally outta it. Anyway, the essays were so much far to write than I anticipated. First of all, there's a word limit of 200-300 words, and the one I just wrote is 376. Need to do some MAJOR editing. In my SAT class, we worked on rephrasing long sentences to make them more concise. I can do it, but it takes a ton of effort and hard thinking. I know it doesn't sound like it, but it really does. So I'll have to do that later. Secondly, the questions are designed so that not only do you have to read the text, you have to think! Wow, what a surprise! (sarcasm implied) It's just that I didn't think I'd have to think so much. Sparknotes helped a bit, and yeah, I'm amidting I use that site. But even if you read Sparknotes, you still have to pull the essay together yourself. Hmm, I wonder how many people will drop the class withing the first two weeks. I mean, just the summer homework requires profound thinking, and we have all summer to do it.

There's a wonderful quote from Shaman King Matt pointed out on Random: "If you knew the answer, that would only be knowledge. Wisdom, on the other hand, is the ability to create something from nothing..." In other words, if you don't know how to do something, you've got to figure it out based on what you DO know. I remember Corbett yelled that at my class, like, two days before the frikkin' exam. People oughta listen to him more, especially if what he's saying comes up in good manga. ^^ Anyway, my point? Writing essays is exactly like that. You're given a blank piece of paper, and on that sheet, you've got to CREATE something. And it can't just be anything, it's got to have insight, and it's got to contain some form of beauty or truth ("truth is beauty; beauty truth...") because it's an art. In a lot of ways, art shows the truth.

I've changed a lot this summer. I ranted about that over the last 10-ish pages of Nina's notebook. Good thing you are going to read it, 9a. It's really funny how some people can write things so much better than say them. Like, even if I'm on the phone with Nina or Denice, I can't say a lot of things. It's like a combination of a lack of words and a lack of courage. To truly communicate, the other person's got to FEEL what you're feeling, and speaking for me just doesn't do that.

So...how have I changed? I've learned to love a lot more. Not neccessarily sexual love, but I think I'm closer to my friends, and in a way, that makes me closer to myself. Because I think some of my friends know me better than I do. That's scarey and reassuring at the same time. I've learned to be a lot more forgiving. Of my parents and their problems, of myself, of other people. I gave Kevin my e-mail, and if I chat with him again after Friday, when the SAT class ends, I'll ask him to say hi to Marie for me. I'm not sure if we can go back to being friends, but I still want her to be happy.

It's kind of sad that the people in my SAT class has bonded right before it's over. I told Alice "Better late than never," but I don't truly believe it. I do wish we'd bonded earlier. Class would've been so much funner. The way we were today, you'd think we'd been friends for longer than two months. Well, not friends, classmates. I think we've finally become friends today. I brought in the cookies Nina and I made. Diane and Alice tried them yesterday, and both admitted they were okay. Kevin was brave enough to try them, even though Diane said they tasted like bacon and I told him the baking soda expired in 2004. Funny conversation:
Me: Try a cookie! You won't die unless if Diane poisoned them!
Kevin: *grabs one* These are...really flat.
Me: *glare* Have you ever tried baking?
Kevin: Yeah, and the cookies rose!
Everyone: Ooooh
Kevin: *eats cookie* ...Hey these aren't bad!
Everyone, including me: Oooooh

I'm definately still talking to Alice after the class ends. We've had way too much fun passing notes in class. And I'd like to keep in touch with Diane, even though she lives in Canada. Speaking of which, I've got to e-mail K-lee. Haven't heard from her in a while. I hope I can tell Kevin to say hi to Marie for me, and I hope he really does. He's a cool guy anyway. Ming, I don't know. He's got a really diabolical laugh that's pretty funny. It's better than Karla's evil laugh! I probably won't talk to Hide again. That kind of makes me sad, it'd be fun to keep in touch with everyone. I guess I'll hope he goes to USC and becomes a film director. Haha, if he ever becomes famous, I'll be all like, "I knew that kid in high school!"

It's 8:59

I feel like pacing around, but I don't. I seriously hate waiting. And I seriously hate the thought of not doing something music-involved next year. I have always done it. Maybe that's why it's bothering me. Or maybe I'm afraid of failure. Well, yeah, I am definately afraid of failure. I am scared of working really hard for something and put everything I've got into it and failing. I think that's why I've been so ambivalent about taking Physics. I guess I'm scared of taking writing seriously too, but that's different. I know I can write well, and I'm self-diciplined enough to make myself sit down and write. But it's with stuff that I don't know that I get screwed over with. I don't know the extent of my musical abilities. And I don't know about physics. I know I'm taking the class, but I still don't...know. But I guess that's a part of life too. The unknown. There's a great song that plays during the credits of the 3rd Pokemon movie called that.

But anyway. I really want to play for Saddleback. I've missed not playing in a large group. Marching band last year doesn't count, I took that for the PE credit. But it would be so fun to play with other people again, working with all the different sections and giving performances. And working under a good director who's hard, but fair. I want to get it...but you know what? I think I will be okay if I don't.

First of all, if I really want to play in a group, I know I'll find one because Florence is my flute teacher and flute teachers don't let you down like that. I think it has something to do with being a musician that makes you hella determined to do something that makes you happy. Besides, now that I've realized this, I feel better. I want to go play flute now, but it's too late. I also want to talk to Florence, but she's on vacation. She mentioned this small music class at Saddlback where the director puts you into small groups to work with and you rehearse once a week. You audition, but only so he knows what group to put you in, and everyone gets accepted because the class is desparate for numbers. They'll get cancelled if they don't get enough people. I need to ask her about that. I could call her cell phone, but I don't want to bother her.

Wow, I haven't written like this here for a long time.

It is 8:22

It is 8:22. Technically, it is not too late to call someone. Technically, it is also not too late to play flute.

But screw technicalities.

I am seriously scared about Saddlback now. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not the end of the world if I don't make it. But somehow, it is. Okay, I exaggerate. Even if I don't make it, it isn't the end of the world.

ARRRRG. I hate this waiting.

Saddleback started school yesterday. Today has been two days since auditions. You'd think they'd have contacted everyone they wanted to participate by now. Or even dropped a line to those who they don't want to participate. It would be better than not knowing.

I can't play flute now. I can't work on Heart of Darkness, my brain is fried. Took the last SAT mock exam in class today, and me, Alice, and Diane totally screwed all the rules and started doing the test together. We were the only ones in the room. No one could concentrate alone anyhow.

I got home, didn't want to do anything, so I read old fanfics on FF.net. Brilliant waste of time. I think I'm going to go back there because I don't want to mull over Saddleback too much.

I'm Back!

So...

A lot of things happened since I have not written.

I e-mailed Denice, Akshar, and Karla, and felt a lot better about life in general.

Nina came and we had a blast being crazy and baking cookies that turned out ameoba shaped.

I don't feel like a sophomore anymore. I really don't. I wasn't expecting to, but I changed over the summer.

I'm not going to say anything about my Saddleback audition, except I need to work on my scales and sight reading. I hate sight reading. *scowls* I hate scales too, but not as much.

I'm an Elf

What type of Fae are you?

Hm, it's not totally off the mark. Although doesn't "trivial" kind of contradict with "detail oriented" and "obsessive"? And what does "callous" mean? *pulls up dictionary.com* ...okay, I think in this context, it means "emotionally hardened." Um, I don't think I'm emotionally hardened. Ah well.

Anyway, things have gotten a bit depressing at home between my lovely parents. I'm okay. I think. Well, I'm not not okay, so I guess I'm okay, but I'm not really okay either. I'm pulling through, I guess.

I started reading an SAT book, and one of the first things it said was that the best way to improve your score is to answer less questions. I think it's right. Use the time to get the questions you know right, and forget wasting time on the impossible. Unfortunately, I don't think I can use that strategy to its full extent. I'll probably answer most questions, even if I just guess. And it is a definately good thing to guess even if you can eliminate only one answer, because the probability you guess the right answer goes up. And you should almost always be able to eliminate at least one answer, so I think I'll end up trying to pull out an answer for every question.

It's a really nice day today. It's cloudy and cool. I like it. Anyway, I should go brush my teeth now. (Because Tony's the only other person home, I ate breakfast in front of the computer reading stuff on FF.net. ^_^)

Revelation & Resolution

Right, it's a damn good thing I write so much. I need to reread all my old blog entries, starting from the ones from LiveJournal. I've realized I've gotten too stressed about the SATs, and I need to reorient my values. I'm not saying I don't think the SATs aren't important, it's just that the class I'm taking has made me gone overboard. I need to start reading the SAT books tonight. I can't explain it, but I've always learned more from books. When I read, things make sense. The world is in order.

Thank God Nina is coming soon. I need a break from myself.

And, if there is a God up there, thank you also for Florence, my flute teacher, who I am going to see in less than half an hour. She is the best person in the world to talk to about being yourself and sticking to who you are, and how ridiculous our education system is.

So...why has the class made me gone overboard, you ask? Because it focuses so much on what you CAN'T do, it ignores to hone and skill what you CAN do. My writing hasn't improved. It's good, but that's because it was good in the first place. The first essay I wrote for that class was my best, which is why I'm convinced I've got to go back. I'd like to improve my reading and math skills too, and frankly, I think I've reached my limit from the class. Which is why I'm convinced I've got to work out of the books now. Thank you, God, for the third time, for books.

I have to stop listening to the class, because it isn't helping anymore. I think, from now on, it's really up to what I decide to do. And I have made my decision to put effort into the SATs, and I am not going back on that.